She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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