If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
