Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
