Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
