rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
