she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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