Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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