I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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