The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
