So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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