how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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