WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
two words: eviction party
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
