Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
