he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
