she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
