Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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