we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
