apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
