Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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