I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
