Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
