One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
