If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
