today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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