May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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