dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
