Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
