first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
