Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
