I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
