turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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