forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
