every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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