She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
