as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
