The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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