I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
