I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
