Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
