those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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