if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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