Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
