I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
