I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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