Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
what day is it and did you see me today?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
