All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
