my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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