My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Randomize
