you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
