I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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